I am an ordinary woman who has found a way to share
some of my life’s experiences in the hopes that others will be able to identify
with and take comfort in knowing that we all face similar things in life. Yes,
our stories are all different but the emotions and feelings are the same. The
empathy that we are capable of feeling for one another enables us to experience
personal growth.
In order to be able to share with even more people, in
January, 2010 I started an online magazine called Woman’s InSite with my best
friend, Cindy Dennen. They say that you should never go into business with your
friends but I do believe that Cindy and I have found a nice balance between
friendship and business partners. It has taken effort on both of our parts and
there have definitely been some challenges but the bottom line is that we have
enough love and respect for each other to allow for differences.
We all have vivid memories of things past that are so
clear in our minds that when we are reminded of them, we can actually visualize
ourselves exactly as we were in that moment and feel the emotions that we felt
all over again. These are pivotal moments in our lives.
One of those vivid memories for me is when a marriage
counselor told me something that ultimately had a tremendous impact on my life.
While my husband and I sat on her couch trying to figure out if we could
salvage a marriage in trouble, she said that if I didn’t like the way my
husband treated me, it was up to me to change! She basically said it was my
fault for not setting healthy boundaries. I remember feeling quite angry with
her for not being sympathetic to me. I wanted her to tell my husband that he
was verbally and emotionally abusive. In fact, there had even been some
physical abuse early in the marriage. It was a pivotal moment in my life.
The counselor recommended that I read a book about
boundaries. Even though I didn’t understand why she thought I was the one who
needed to do some soul searching and make changes, I took her advice, got the
book and read it. She did eventually did talk to my husband about his ways but
it did little to change him. I think she knew it would be that way and
therefore tried to help me become stronger.
He traveled 3 – 4 days a week, 50 weeks a year. This
had a lot to do with the marriage lasting as long as it did. I didn’t see him
that often and that was fine with me. While he was out of town, life was
peaceful and the household ran very smoothly. Most of the time I felt like a
single parent. I tried to ignore the fact that the night before he was to
arrive back home, I was unable to sleep and the migraines and stomach issues
would flare up again. It was a cycle that I was used to. I always knew that he
would only be in town for a few days, with most of that time on a golf course
or playing on-line Texas Hold Em.
Now fast-forward about 10 years. Cindy and I had been
talking about starting a website but we both knew that we had a lot to learn
before we were ready. It was a little ironic that we were talking about
starting a computer-based business. I was the least likely person to be
involved in anything that involved computer skills. Mine were seriously
lacking. I could send an email and that’s about it. My son even tells a story
claiming that I once asked him to show me how to turn on the computer. I definitely
wasn’t approaching this business from the mindset that I would need to earn a
living. It was more an idea of what I could do to keep busy and hopefully earn a
little cash as a bonus. My life was in transition. One of my children had already
graduated from high school and my baby was quickly approaching that milestone. I
had been very active with their schools, church, community activities and
raising my children and I am so thankful that I was able to do this. I wouldn’t
trade those years for anything. But it was about to be time for me! It was
something I was excited and nervous
about.
Then the inevitable happened. My husband and I
mutually agreed to get a divorce. Over the years, I had implemented my newfound
knowledge and had begun setting boundaries with my husband as well as everyone
else in my life. Eventually, a line was drawn in the sand and it turns out that
it would be the very last boundary that I would set in my marriage. My husband
laid out a plan to move me away from all of my friends and family. It was a
take it or leave it proposition. I imagine that in his mind, this would be the
perfect way to get control back. I refused to cross that line. While everyone
else in my life thought of my setting boundaries as a good thing, my husband
didn’t care for it at all. He had married a shy, quiet girl who rarely spoke up
23 years prior but I had changed. My self-esteem and confidence had grown
tremendously over the years and that really didn’t fit with the type of wife
that he wanted.
My “career” had
to get put into high gear quickly! I
realized that those years spent being room mom, PTO President, serving on
Parent Advisory and Church Building Committees, volunteering to do things like
pick up trash on the side of the road, teaching Sunday School…….. were all great
things to be involved in, but they weren’t the only thing a prospective employer
wanted to see on a resume and it wasn’t going to pay the bills. I needed to
find a way to transition from being a volunteer to finding a career. Unfortunately,
this is a scene that is played out in many women’s lives. My husband had not
wanted me to work. It would have been much more difficult for him to travel
with his job if I was working too.
This idea to do something with a website seemed crazy
at this point, but I didn’t want to let it go. I knew that being an
entrepreneur was my only hope for making enough money to LIVE on. The best I
could hope for in corporate America was minimum wage.
I signed up for a basic computer class at HCC and
learned how to do things like cut & paste. I learned what a URL and a
search engine were. The more I learned, the more it hit home how little I knew.
It made me see that I still had a long
way to go and it was scary. You may think at this point that Cindy had far
superior tech skills than I did. Nope, after I graduated, with a 4.0, from my
class, I proudly shared all of my knowledge with her so she could get caught up
to speed. It was a serious case of the blonde leading the blonde!
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized
that this might be the perfect thing for me, a website where we talk about
anything and everything from a woman’s perspective. I already knew what I
lacked so I focused on what my strengths were. I had a lot of InSite into life
experiences. Even though the marriage ended in divorce, I felt I had accomplished
a GREAT deal of learning from that time in my life. Another thing I had going
for me was that I had always loved to write. I had been the CEO of the family
and was very organized and good at planning. I knew I could get involved with
networking easily. In fact, I loved talking to people. Most people thought I
was completely crazy but I decided to go for it anyway.
My next step was to sell some of my jewelry in order to
get the cash needed for the business start up. The actual sale of the jewelry
is something that I’m able to laugh at today but at the time, it was really
crazy. I consigned it to an auction house. Oh, and I forgot to mention that my
ex is an auctioneer and I took it to an auction house where he did contract
work. My son was the manager there so I knew that he wouldn’t let anything
shady happen. I felt like that would be my safest way and best shot at selling
the jewelry quickly for decent money. On the day of the auction, I got a heads
up that my ex-husbands girlfriend would be in attendance. This was only a few
weeks after our divorce was final and so I did what any normal woman would do. I made sure that I looked AWESOME and I
brought my posse with me! We filled up 2 rows. Even the pastor of my church
showed up. I ALMOST felt sorry for her. It came time for my nice little heart
shaped diamond ring to sell and my ex proceeded to ask Girlfriend if she wanted
to buy it. Seriously, why in the world would she want my oId jewelry? I will
add here that my ex was NOT the original purchaser of the jewelry. What a weird
feeling! Ultimately, Girlfriend had the good sense to say no, she wasn’t
interested in that particular cast off. But it did get sold and I raised the
money that I needed to get set up in business. I offered Cindy a percentage of
ownership to join me. Being the loyal friend that she is, she agreed. I knew it
would require a lot of work before we actually started to see any money
actually come in.
Cindy and I, along with a few other people, put our
heads together and came up with ideas to start Woman’s InSite. We went to a web
designer with pages of instructions on what we liked and didn’t like. We gave
them all of our ideas and turned it over to them. A few weeks later, we got our
first look at the admin part of the site. This is another one of those moments
that I can recall with great detail. Cindy and I were sitting side by side with
our laptops at the dining room table of my house. As we logged in, I’ll never
forget feeling so completely overwhelmed at all that I needed to learn. How would
I ever “get” all of this? But I took a deep breath and we forged ahead and learned
it. Unfortunately, what we didn’t know was that I had spent way too much money
on a website that was outdated before we even started. I did mention that
technology wasn’t my strength, right? But I have to say that I’m still proud
that we did learn how to manage it all. And we did it very well. I think I was
carried by determination. I did not want to be at the mercy of a web-master or
anyone else for that matter. I had learned that being dependent on someone else
didn’t feel good. I know it’s ok to let people in your life help you but you
should never let yourself become trapped by it.
Since then, we have moved onto a much more efficient
WordPress platform for Woman’s InSite and I have learned how to use that even
better. We have continued to make changes and upgrades that require learning
new techniques but I’m no longer afraid to tackle something that I know little
or nothing about. I have confidence in
my abilities.
In the process of marketing Woman’s InSite, I have
done a great deal of networking. I’ve had the opportunity to meet quite a few
financial advisors who always seem to ask many pointed and difficult business questions.
Questions that I had no answers to. I must say that I have nothing against
financial advisors or people in that profession. There are some people in my
life that are very dear to me in this field. But I have learned, people in this
profession think a little differently than I do because they would always ask
me if I have a plan B. I would very timidly tell them no, I don’t. I could see
in their eyes that they thought I was foolish or crazy and maybe even both.
Many times following these conversations, I would lie in bed at night and allow
my doubts to haunt me. But the doubt never stayed for long because the next
thing I knew I was standing in front of someone that would build me up and
encourage me. A door would open or a perceived roadblock would clear. Whether
or not it was family, friends or complete strangers, someone was always right
there to help and tell me to keep going. The timing was divinely perfect. I’m
learning that I don’t have to take on other peoples’ opinions. Just because
someone says or thinks something about you doesn’t make it true.
A few months after we launched our website, the Pastor
of my church asked me to share my story of courage for a series he was
preaching. I thought, courage? Does this appear to be courage? Because really,
inside, I’ve been scared! At times, I feel like I’m way up high in a huge tree,
out on the edge hanging on a limb because of the circumstances in my life. I
didn’t willingly stroll out there because of this amazing amount of bravado
that I possess. No, I’ve been pushed. Forced out there. Perhaps it’s been faith
that’s given me the courage to hang on. I could have easily let go of that limb
and sunk into the abyss of depression and anger about the unfairness of life. If
I’m going to be completely honest, I did dip low enough to reach the ground a
couple of times. I had moments of bitterness and feeling sorry for myself. I
just didn’t settle there. I had a business to run.
Many of those low times I would call Cindy and vent.
There were things that were happening with my children that were almost
unbearable. We would talk, cry and sometimes even find something to laugh about
through our tears. She would always listen and then tell me 4 words that have
come to mean so much to me. It’s become my mantra. She would say, “Kathryn, you
have to just let it go. These things are out of your control. You have to Let
Go, Let God”. Intellectually, I already knew that but it always helped to hear
her say it. It’s much easier to speak the words than put them into practice. Letting
Go and Letting God will be a lifelong journey for me but I’m making progress.
I know that I am blessed to have a friend like Cindy
in my life for 25 years and counting. We have been through many life-changing
events together and have held each other up when needed along the way. We are
often asked about how we have remained so loyal over such a long period of
time. The sad truth is that not everybody experiences this kind of friendship.
“Rare is true
love, true friendship is rarer”, Jean
de la Fontaine.
I think of the old I
Love Lucy show. Lucy and Ethel got into some crazy things together. No
matter what happened, they were there for each other. They always had each
other’s back. They may not have always agreed but if they ever heard anyone else
trying to say anything bad about the other, then you better watch out. They
would let ‘em know to back off.
A real life example of loyal friendship is Oprah and
Gayle. Cindy even wrote and article called Searching
for Gayle. She talks about the time Oprah was being interviewed by Barbara
Walters and how Oprah spoke of the rare type of friendship that she shares with
Gayle; the kind that is filled with laughter, mutual respect and fierce
loyalty. That’s us to a tee!
My advice is to BE the kind of friend that you WANT to
have. Know that you won’t see things the same way all the time and be ok with
that. Encourage each other to succeed, even when it means that her success is
greater than yours. Cindy and I know that we were BOTH born to be great in
different ways and therefore, we have been able to hold each other up where the
other is weak. Our hope is that everyone will find his or her Gayle.
After months of networking and at the urging of a
respected friend, a meeting with a fascinating yet quirky “Personal Brand
Evangelist” opened my eyes to a great deal that I had been missing in my
personal and professional life. This meeting was a pivotal moment in my life. I
really didn’t know what branding meant. I’d heard the words being used by
others but didn’t have a grasp of what it should mean to me. I learned about
consistent, effective Branding and how to properly utilize Social Media in this
area. This helped us to increase traffic to Woman’s InSite at a much faster
pace than we had previously experienced.
This man also told me that “I don’t know” is a
perfectly acceptable answer to any question. He said there is no shame in not
knowing. All you need is confidence
in your ability to learn what you
need to know. I believe it’s simply a matter of desire and getting started. I
can tell you that because I have
learned so much, my confidence level has soared. Another important thing
that he taught me is to never be afraid of doing what your heart is leading you
to do. I had been battling fear and doubt along my journey but I have come to
trust my inner voice a little more each step of the way.
One day, I spoke with yet another financial advisor
that asked me about plan B. I had become
a bit more confident at this point so I looked him in the eye and replied with
a bit of cockiness, “nope, no plan B”. But this one was different! He smiled at
me and said, “Good, no one with a plan B ever makes plan A work”. Wow! How
profound. I really needed to hear that. Failure has NOT been an option for me. I
think this was a real turning point. I believe that with the proper motivation,
you can do what you set out to do. Yes, it’s going to take some time. There are
no overnight successes. I know that I still have some things to learn before
I’m ready for the big leagues but I am certain that I will get there when the time
is right.
When we started Woman’s InSite, I was the only writer.
One thing that I quickly learned was that putting my thoughts and feelings on
paper was very therapeutic in helping me heal. Some of the articles I have
written have been deeply personal but I have always been conscious of the fact
that my children will see what I write. Sharing some of the things that
happened in my marriage has been a challenge. It was tough to publish those
first few articles but I almost felt compelled to do it.
I believe sharing my story has given courage and hope
to others. I think there are more than a few people out there that have cried and
laughed along this journey with me. Not all of our stories are the same but the
emotions and feelings that we have are what bring us together. It’s how we
empathize and help each other grow. Many women and men have confided in me their
own stories about their personal relationships over the last couple of years. I
guess because I’ve written so much about my story, they know that I’ll
understand. Talking with people gives me encouragement. I know that by sharing these painful emotions
with others, I have at least comforted them in the knowledge that they aren’t
alone. Many of us have been there and we can empathize.
I was married for 23 years, 10 of them being pretty
darn unhappy. I went through my days with a smile on my face that never reached
my eyes. I don’t like looking at photos of myself during this time in my life because
I can see the pain and unhappiness in my eyes. It’s hard to admit but I stuck
around in that state doing nothing about it because I was afraid. I’m pretty
sure my mom knew how bad things were because moms just have a way of looking at
you and seeing what’s in your heart.
At the time I didn’t talk about my feelings to anybody
except Cindy and even to her it was spoken of only once. It’s another one of
those times in my life that I remember nearly every detail very vividly. We had
a brief conversation on the phone while I was sitting in my car in a Walmart
parking lot. I told her that financial fear was the only thing keeping me married.
It’s a moment that I’ll never forget because prior to this, I don’t think I’d
even admitted it to myself. I had been telling myself that I still loved him. When
I said the words out loud, this truth became almost unbearable. It’s very
humbling to admit that I stayed married because I didn’t see a way that I would
be able to support my children or myself. I must confess that once I acknowledged
this truth, intimacy with my husband felt like a gross betrayal to myself. Fear kept me there because I didn’t embrace
the truth that God would see me through and provide.
When I tell people about my divorce after 23 years of
marriage and how it changed my life, I can tell that some of them want to feel
sorry for me because of what seems “unfair”. The last thing I want is sympathy.
Yes, life can seem unfair at times
but I now have the ability to look back and see that God had so much more in
store for me than I could have ever imagined. I just wasn’t ready for it yet. I
had to go through where I’ve been to get here.
I can honestly say I have NO regrets. I’m happier now
than I ever imagined was possible. I realize that every time there seemed to be
something in my way, God has placed exactly the right person in front of me to
help, encourage and advise me. He has surrounded me with amazing family and
friends that have supported me in every way. That Personal Brand Evangelist that
I mentioned has become much more than a business advisor to me. That meeting
that I told you about had been scheduled for 30 minutes. Five hours later, we
wrapped it up and went to a wine bar to share a glass of wine and get to know
each other on a personal level. He has shown me what true love feels like. My
life is great and I can’t wait to see the amazing things yet to come.
“Only those
who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” T.S. Eliot
Woman’s InSite is now into its 4th year of
business. We now have a large team of writers that contribute articles to us. When
I look back at all the hurdles that I’ve jumped and all that I’ve learned I’m
truly amazed with how far we’ve come. Who would have thought a few years ago
that I, Kathryn Crawford Wheat, would own a successful online magazine? A woman
with no computer skills successfully running and managing a computer based
business?
Where do we go from here? Cindy and I plan on Woman’s
InSite becoming an internationally recognized brand. Yes, we have big dreams. I
know that when we are ready, God will be right there with us showing us how to
make it happen.
In closing, I want to leave you with my second
favorite quote:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are
inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our
light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ’Who am I to
be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about
shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant
to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that
is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our
own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we
are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson
No matter where your personal journey has taken you, don’t
be afraid of your own greatness. Embrace it and share it with the world!
